Need Advice on Attraction and Desires

Discussion in 'Social/Relationships' started by Lance, Feb 6, 2016.

  1. Lance

    Lance Member

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    There's a lot of really wise & intelligent people on here & I would really like to get some advice from some of you guys. By any means, I'm not desperate nor do I go out seeking relationships with whomever I come in contact with.

    I've had three relationships my whole life (22 years old). As a man, I'm complete by myself & I'm totally fine with being single. I think I'm a handsome young man, athletic, I make really good money for my age & I have an awesome job/career that I love. I'm not the type to cling to anyone by any means. I'm picky about characteristics (not in a bad way - just personal preference). I like to stay focused on my goals in life & so on. With all that said, I just can't help but feel a strong attraction/pull towards this certain female. From the moment I laid my eyes on her I just felt this automatic attraction for her & it's been very strong since. I think about her almost all day.

    Not out of a sense of need, being desperate or trying to cling to an image in my mind but out of love, peace, creativity & joy. The simple way to put it is that I wanna be with this particular woman & I just can't help my desires about it. I'm not forcing these thoughts or desires, they're just there naturally. When I picture being with her I just get this feeling of vibrant love & joy. Of course I think about it from other aspects as in boredom, negativity, being sexual. I don't wanna throw out the wrong impression. I can't stress enough that I'm not desperate for a relationship or to feel "loved" by someone. I'm always focusing on bettering myself & at this point in time I'm not concerned or even want a relationship but the way I feel inside about this just completely changes that.

    It's like when I try to suppress how I feel I just get frustrated but when I let things flow naturally it's like my frequency just picks up & I feel vibrant. Words probably can't explain it. What do you guys think about this? Should I resist my desires? I do wanna attract her into my life & everything I've wanted to attract in my life has always came to me at one point or another. I don't care about materialistic things, my image, having a giant ego. I just like being humble & all about the quality of life. These desires are definitely there & they're certainly not from a dimension of loneliness or neediness. I would really like to hear some advice from others if possible.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2016
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  2. Harry

    Harry Active Member

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    develop a friendship with her, know abt her,ask for a date and when u feel the opportunity is ripe , propose her. WHat max can happen -a no. So, accept her no and move on . That's it.
    But don't try to suppress ur flow. Let it flow. it will give new experiences
     
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  3. Joanna

    Joanna Active Member

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    @Lance , I'm still confused about what is the actual problem you're having, and I read it three times. I sort of get the feeling that you feel that women and your life goals are somewhat incompatible, or that you feel that many men with women are doing so out of desperation or neediness. Women are awesome, men are awesome, and the polar attraction of the two is awesome. Enjoy it if it feels right; there can be long dry spells where there is no one who sparks you, or who is sparked by your spark. Just my opinion, from the middle-age seats. :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2016
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  4. Lance

    Lance Member

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    Sorry if it doesn't make much sense. I don't really understand myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm extremely attracted to this particular woman & I would really like to be with her but I was just trying to make it clear that it's not out of a form of neediness. If that makes sense. It just feels natural like she'll come into my life at one point or another. The energy is strong.
     
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  5. Em1

    Em1 Active Member

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    I think a lot of people put pressure on themselves when it comes to dating and relationships because the feelings/sensations are a lot bigger than the actual relationship. It's easy to jump to the big picture (looking at the future) versus focusing on the present. Just because you're attracted to her today doesn't mean you're going to get married or even go on a second date. All it means is that you feel strong attraction in the relationship today.

    It's sort of like pursuing a new language - at first you're curious and want to learn more. You learn some of the language and find it fun and exciting. Then you may find things that are complicated and make you consider quitting. If you stick with it, you may visit a country or even move to a country that speaks it. You're not going to be fluent in a language overnight and its natural to be drawn to certain ones or have intrigue to learn more. All you can do is take it day by day trying to learn and deciding if it still fits into your life.

    So, take it day by day... but if you're interested in asking her out, quit thinking about it and just ask her out!
     
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  6. Em1

    Em1 Active Member

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    @Lance Out of curiosity... What would happen if you discovered you were needy? Or if you found out she was needy?
     
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  7. Lance

    Lance Member

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    I like your perspective on it. Makes a lot of sense. I can say with a certain fact that I'm not a needy person. I'm not a weak-minded person who craves, or needs the attention/love from others. If it doesn't work out or she never comes into my life then I'm totally okay/content with it. It's not the end of the world.
     
  8. Markus

    Markus Active Member

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    Ooo, looks like someone holds fear of not having control...

    Not true! You seem very intent on believing an certain image of yourself. There is a show being put on:
    Without imbalance, all you wrote could have been a short "I am attracted to someone." All the verbiage and explaining and uncertainty and such is just a blinking sign pointing at someone (you) feeling challenged by an attraction, and working double-time to make sure your image is not __.
    Don't resist your desire, but don't avoid reality by daydreaming about what might be possible. Ask her to spend time with you. If she says no, let the bubble burst and move on. If yes, then you have a chance to learn what is really going on within yourself. Maybe you learn that you really aren't interested in a relationship; maybe you learn that you are needy after all; maybe she turns out to be unattractive to you; or any other possible outcome.

    No matter the outcome, the great benefit of asking her out is that you shift your attention from fantasy to reality. Dealing with reality is how you improve yourself and your life experience. Lingering in fantasy just keeps you from living.
     
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  9. Markus

    Markus Active Member

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    Your fixation on not being seen as weak or needy can only get in the way of knowing what you really are. Craving or needing others is not weakness; it can take bravery and strength to acknowledge such things about oneself, especially if one believes them to be 'bad' qualities. Are you weak or needy? Only you need to know. Knowing what is true is far more valuable than fitting some idea of what is good or right.
     
  10. Shiv

    Shiv Active Member

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    @Lance - I'm going to give you an alternative viewpoint since it appears to me you seem confused about some things and that confusion is generating a sort of inner conflict within you. You did solicit the response of forum members and some of the most perceptive people on this forum have responded to you. So, take what each one is saying with a grain of salt.

    All forms of desire stem from a place of lack. And the intensity of desire directly corresponds to the magnitude of the lack felt. Its like you only truly desire a meal when you are hungry and the hungrier you are the more you will desire it. But lack is not a bad thing. Its just one necessary aspect of life. It is what motivates us in new directions.

    Need is another word for lack. So needing things or needing people is just a necessary aspect of life. The only way you can exist without needing is if you fortify yourself in some ivory tower of strength and perfection in your own mind. But that does not make you independent, it just makes you isolated. Life, this Universe, is a giant cooperative and the only way to coexist in harmony with it is to recognize that symbiosis is the most fundamental operating principle.

    Neediness on the other hand is what Sen would call a lack-based mentality. It is that unfortunate state of mind in which our desires never seem to fulfill. Its like a man who cannot stop eating because his hunger is never satisfied. There are no cycles of hunger-desire-fulfillment for him. He is perpetually stuck in the hunger phase.

    People who live from a lack-based perspective (neediness) do so because they have fallen into a habit of repressing desires. Remember, lack is natural, perpetual lack is not. So the only way one could end up in a state of perpetual lack is if they are somehow, consciously or unconsciously, repressing certain aspects of themselves. That's when desires become more like all-consuming forces rather than gentle movements to experience something new. That's when they begin to torment rather than bring us the satisfaction they were designed to.

    You have stated repeatedly that you are not a needy person. Ill give you the benefit of the doubt and say fine you are not. But what you clearly seem to be is someone who is afraid of appearing needy, weak, desperate, unfocused, uncertain, lacking control. And what that kind of fear does is it causes you to repress yourself. It is the very mechanism that will, over time, begin to propagate that giant unfillable void of lack within you. It is what will eventually transform you into the very person that you claim that you are not.

    There is nothing strong about appearing invulnerable. There is nothing balanced about appearing as if you have it all together. There is nothing attractive about a man who is afraid to own the desire he feels for a woman.

    Perhaps, you fear this desire because you cannot tame it. By your own admission you are consumed with thoughts of her all day. But the fact that you can feel so strongly, reveals that there is a rawness of power and emotion under that seemingly with-it exterior that you have fashioned for yourself. Open yourself to it and you will learn more about yourself in a month than you can imagine.

    It may not all be good. Perhaps, you find out that your fears were justified. That you are in fact a weak, needy, desperate, unfocused and uncertain person. But in seeing this, you will have fully faced all those aspects of yourself that you have worked so hard to deny. And in facing them you will have an opportunity to learn, to grow and to eventually transcend them.

    Or contrarily, perhaps you find that you are in fact just as strong, self-sufficient and poised as you imagine yourself to be. In that case, you will now have validated this hypothesis for yourself and will have no more need for the fear of appearing needy.

    Either way, win win.
     
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  11. Lance

    Lance Member

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    Well it's like you said take the advice with a grain of salt. Asking for advice on this forum is a lose lose situation for me. It seems as some of these people on here like to over analyze sentences and make it something it's not. I'm not trying to hold onto a certain image about myself. I struggle and have adversity just like everyone else does. I definitely don't have it all together. I have issues financially emotionally and any other aspect you can imagine. My life is not perfect but I'm definitely not weak minded. Reason being I stated a few times that it's not out of a place of lack or from me being needy is because if I didnt then I'm sure someone on here would have said that is coming from a place of lack. Just because I state that about myself doesn't make me weak. Either way it seems like I'm being perceived as being needy. That's not the case at all. If she doesn't come into my life or if it doesn't work out then I'm totally OK/content with that. My life doesn't end just because a desire didn't manifest. I should've put it in more simple words. Yes I have a strong desire to be with this particular woman and I would like to manifest her into my life. I'm a picky person which shouldn't be a bad thing which she is exactly everything I want in a partner. Again if she turns out not to be what I expected or vice versa then I'm totally OK with that but still my desires are there for now and I would like to explore it. I don't have these feelings for nothing and I'm not making it out to be more than what it is. All I asked is for simple advice not to be over analyzed here. I appreciate all the words sincerely but some of you are perceiving me the wrong way. I live by myself earn my own money and doing what I should be doing. That doesn't mean I have it all together. I haven't even lived a quarter of my life so there is many many more roads to travel. I don't go out looking for external factors to make me happy. I'm totally happy content being where I'm at. I don't need cars clothes money or anything of that magnitude to make me happy. If I could Id live out in the country with my family and my dogs away from all the toxic people and toxic behaviors. This world we live in is ran by money. That's the only way that I can make a living. I'm a pipefitter/welder and yes I do make good money but money doesn't define who I am and it sure doesn't make me happy. Only to a small extent. I want to be with this girl out of love creativity and joy. Not out of being desperate or a lack. I can say with confidence that I'm a good looking young man and I have no problem talking to women or finding dates. I've been through that phase and that's not what I'm interested in anymore. I hope you guys can get a better understanding. I'm not perfect and I'm definitely not invulnerable. I'm a human who is filled with flaws to the core but everyone here knows what our Being is. I am whole by myself my spirit my being my inside. My outside has adversity at times but it's always how I handle it. Yes I have a desire and want to be with her. It's natural.
     
  12. Shiv

    Shiv Active Member

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    It seems like your feelings have been hurt. You began by asking for advice because you believed there were many wise people on this forum. Now, you say that asking advice is a lose-lose situation because people here tend to over analyze things. No one is trying to be critical and if they have over analyzed, so what? They have taken time out of their lives to give your life some consideration for no other reason than because you reached out to them. Must help come in only the forms that are palatable to you?

    No one here knows you. We can only respond to the ways in which you portray yourself. And the fact that you initially portrayed yourself in a certain manner is telling of the principles and biases you hold within yourself. In the above post, you have allowed yourself to be more vulnerable and honest in your portrayal. At least, our responses have inspired that?

    These are only opinions at the end of the day. No one is forcing you to accept anything. If something doesn't agree with you, you are free to disagree. You know yourself best. But there is one point that is sticking out for me that I want to try and highlight. And its this word "weak-minded". You have brought this word up a bunch of times.

    What does this mean to be weak-minded? Is weakness something to be ashamed of or worse intolerant of? Is there some absolute standard of strength of mind to which some can be compared of as weak and others strong?

    My only guidance to you is to see if you can drop these labels and qualifiers about yourself. They are ultimately limiting. We all have moments when we are weak and moments when we are strong, moments when our mind succumbs to pressures and moments when it transcends. Be open to all these possible versions of yourself.

    Being motivated by creativity, love and joy is beautiful. Being motivated by lack is not something terrible either. In fact, our desires are often complex and composed of multiple often conflicting motivations. No one is implying that you are drawn to this girl out of a sense of desperation or neediness. But perhaps, there are flavors of all kinds of movements both light natured and dark in your desires. That is what makes desire so potent. It is the conflicting polarities that exist within it that provide it the necessary impetus to generate that sort of power.

    Either way, only you can find out for yourself. But you have to be willing to find out. That can only happen when you drop all these qualifiers about yourself being weak or strong.

    Other than that, don't mind us. We are all just a bunch of pompous blowhards with way too much time on our hands :)
     
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  13. Lance

    Lance Member

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    Haha no my feelings haven't been hurt. I say it's a lose, lose because I didn't come here to be criticized from what you or others read from words. I came here seeking advice from people like you @Shiv because I've lurked here for a long time & have read plenty of your posts. I'm glad you responded, I really am. Like I said I'm young & immature at times. Of course there will be times where I'm weak but it's how we handle adversity, isn't it? No I don't come here expecting to hear what only resonates with me, but for all my sentences to be quoted, analyzed & all that is a bit too much because like you said nobody knows who "I" am. I just wanted simple advice. Sorry if I came off defensive but like I said I probably portrayed the wrong "image" by trying to justify I'm not weak or needy. It's all good. I do appreciate people taking time out of their lives to respond, sincerely.
     
  14. NothingsPurpose

    NothingsPurpose Active Member

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    If you guys haven't talked and you're already intense about your future with her, there's something wrong.

    Girls know when a guy is sincere or not, and its attractive when the feelings are real and you express that. But if you and this girl haven't had amazing chemistry together let alone even talked face to face yet, then I think something is off.

    Love at first sight is exactly what it means. But it seems only you love, and its not reciprocated. Love is mutual, its not personal.

    Stop being a creep and see if you two have real chemistry!!
     
  15. Em1

    Em1 Active Member

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    What's the difference between advice and criticism (in your mind)?
     
  16. Harry

    Harry Active Member

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    @Em1
    For a lower conscious mind--

    Advice- What massages their ego .Confirmation to what ego wants to do, but it can't do becos of conflict. I have seen many people going to other people when they have conflict with someone to only hear that they were right and other party is wrong. this does not end here but those so call advisers tell the how to harm that person more .

    Criticism-- When some speaks something which is opposite to the ego and this escaltes the conflict in mind of that person. That's k/a criticism. That person might b***h u in his mind and wud not come for advise in the future. This is when some one speaks the authentic truth to someone who is in conflict.

    for higher conscious mind

    Advice /critcism whatever it may be , they all are the same becos he is open to all.
    Sorry, u asked the question to lance but I gave it.
     
  17. Lance

    Lance Member

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    A lot of you guys are speaking from only a matter of perception, of what you "think" is real. I never said we've never talked, or we haven't talked face to face. I'm not gonna just feel this way towards someone I've never spoken to directly. So again, most of you speak through a small perception in your minds. It's just funny how you internet gurus act so high & mighty but so arrogant at the same time. For example @NothingsPurpose calling me a creep when he has no idea who I am or the life I live. Or this guy @Harry & his smart remarks. Haha this is a big joke. All I said is I wanna be with this girl & how should I go about it? But noooooo....you guys & your "higher consciousness" have to take it to a whole other level. Maybe it's some of you who need to take a look inside.
     
  18. Shiv

    Shiv Active Member

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    @Lance - I agree that a couple of the responses here may have been a bit presumptuous, but consider the irony of this statement:

    What did you expect when you asked a bunch of strangers you've never met for advice? Clearly, the only option available for us to speak from is what we "think".

    Maybe we do. And you posting this thread may have given some of us an opportunity to do that. As we hope we have given you. See that's what this forum is about Lance. Sometimes it may feel very Kumbaya, sometimes it can get a bit rowdy. But for the most part it's people earnestly driving each other to look into themselves in ways they may not have considered.

    If you've lurked around on this forum long enough you know that. And if you have followed some of the posters then you know that when @NothingsPurpose is the most offensive is actually when he thinks he is being funny. And @Harry's smart remarks means that he likes you (him making a meme about you means that he loves you and you should probably run). And if @Markus hasnt dissected everything you say line by line, well then he's just slacking off.

    Chill brother and come hang out more often.

    As for the simple advice you wanted - go ask her out.
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2016
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  19. NothingsPurpose

    NothingsPurpose Active Member

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    @Shiv all of my jokes are funny. ALL OF THEM.
    @Lance Calling you a creep was the essence of my post and you should definitely take it to heart. But seriously I just want to get across that sexual energy (when its not flowing outwardly) transforms into a stagnant source of personal desire. So you need to exercise your desire to its extent if you haven't. Guess what happens if you don't? Creep, creep , creep.

    If you & this girl have talked, that's fine, but if there isn't real chemistry right off the bat then the relationship will be 90% your attraction; 10% her interest initially. I personally would move on if there's no chemistry, but really anything can happen.
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2016
  20. Markus

    Markus Active Member

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    @Lance sorry to hear you felt offended. That said, two points are worth bringing up: 1 - you asked what we thought and what we think you should do; 2 - you presented yourself in a paragraph or two.

    By the nature of a forum, #2 necessarily limits how much we know about you, yes? So don't take offense to people responding to the few sentences we know about you, while the other 99.999+% of you remains unknown. We can only respond to what is presented - it if does not reflect you well, then it is a case of garbage in garbage out.

    Having lurked for a while, you might have noticed that most relationship or dating queries quickly change into conversations about looking at self. It is what this forum has become through collective interest and participation.

    When someone asks if they should A or B, I sometimes see facing C as the place to find the answer. My post was not critical of you, it was a reply from a different point of view. All I can do is share what I see. If this does not resonate with you, then disregard what I write. No harm done. We can only respond as the people we are, can only share in ways that make sense to us. Because we are all unique, there is no expectation that another will see it the same way.
     
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