Awakening Freakout

Discussion in 'Mind' started by hibbie, Feb 18, 2016.

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  1. hibbie

    hibbie New Member

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    I recently read 'The Power of Now" and "A New Earth: Awakening to your Life's Purpose" by Eckhart Tolle. I really feel like the past few days I have been awakening and becoming more and more conscious. It was great until I went into public and felt.. just bad. There was road rage and rough energy all around! Everyone looked grey to me, it was very strange. That was yesterday, and today I had an experience with my "pain body" although I was aware of it I had to meditate for an hour for it to go away. I was a witness to it but it was difficult to put away! I really tried to stay in the present and embrace being.

    I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this? and if it is normal to have difficulty along their journey? Or if awakening isn't a process and you just awaken and that's it no more suffering?
     
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  2. Saraswati

    Saraswati Active Member

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    @hibbie: Welcome to the forum. Yes, I think it's very normal. I have experienced very similar "releases" if you will. I still very much have a pain body but I'm learning to accept my pain body, I think that's all that's needed to dissolve is acceptance, so presence, being with your pain body, observing, listening etc, without reacting is a very different sort of living than just reacting to whatever arises. It's hard to learn anything when one is always reacting and reacting just keeps cycles repeating. From my perspective awakening is a process that could be likened to evolution. I think at every level there is suffering but the type of suffering changes. You grow out of one kind of suffering and into another, namely moving from projection of suffering onto physicality to realization that suffering is all psychically created and while it is still felt on a physical level it has a different meaning. As the thoughts and beliefs that create the suffering are released a realization of freedom creeps in. The freedom is the realization that awareness is the release from bondage to ideas that create suffering. You are the holder of those ideas thus you are the one who can release them. All healing is done by the individual within. The outer world is just a reflection of the inner and a grand theater. All the world is a stage as per Shakespeare. When you accept your pain body through awareness and presence, healing comes. The important thing to me, is to realize that it's your journey. And while others serve as guides and pointers it is ultimately your journey. If you do not lead, it's a sidetrack, away from your ultimate destination. Most of us, I think, have taken many sidetracks, but the long way home is an interesting one! :)
     
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  3. Em1

    Em1 Active Member

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    Hi @hibbie - my experience was similar to Tolle's. I spent months in depression and something snapped. I was in a parking lot one evening sobbing and saying to myself, "I give up. I give up." The next day I woke up and something in my awareness had completely shifted. I had a different perspective on the world and my energy was more free than I've felt most of my life. Funny enough I remember trying to read "The Power of Now" before and didn't understand it at all. I read it at some point after and flew through it... everything made sense. It felt like a major awakening because it was a major shift that my body and mind were ready to make. I think we have many awakenings but only take notice of the big ones.

    If we imagine life as a process, everything that happens (calm, chaos, pain, happiness) has a byproduct at the end of that process. It's like the body - We eat food, take nutrients from it, and expel the parts we don't need. After you have a life shift, these "byproducts" might be more prominent than they seemed before. As you welcome a new phase of life, there can later be a sense of loss about the things that we no longer connect to or find meaning from. You might even miss the comfort of ignorance at times. Like @Saraswati said, pain changes over time - once you get past one challenge you will eventually be faced with another that could be even more hard. But that doesn't mean pain is bad - it's like your palette for food is growing. Before you only ate store-bought cheddar and now you want an artisan aged cheddar.

    Our comfort really depends on how we handle these byproducts; Do you go to the bathroom when you have to pee, hold it in til it hurts, or wear a diaper so you don't have to think about it (til you feel mushy and get a rash)?

    (I know it's a weird analogy but it kind of works... welcome to the forum!)
     
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  4. Shiv

    Shiv Active Member

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    @Em1 - I like this. Would you mind expanding on this a bit more?

    Over the last year I have experienced a significant loss. The loss of a spiritual identity. It's strange because I have had this identity since my early teens. I can barely remember a life without it. And yet, I find myself no longer having or wanting or needing one. Spirituality just doesn't turn me on anymore in any of its forms. Words that once seemed to inspire and uplift, now seem vapid and a bore. People that I once looked up to now I see as just average joes. Even places and events that once held a sense of specialness, magic and mystique are now just places and events.

    I wondered the other day if this is what was meant when the Zen Master said,
    "At first mountains are only mountains and rivers are only rivers,
    After the first glimpse of the truth, mountains are no longer mountains and rivers are no longer rivers,
    Once the truth has settled, mountains are once again mountains and rivers are once again rivers."

    It's a loss of innocence, not unlike losing the innocence of childhood. there is no sense of extraordinariness operating within me anymore. It's like I have lost the ability to consider any person, place, event or idea as special. And simultaneously, the same effect seems to be taking place within. I am losing my ability to regard myself as special or to invest in making this self appear or feel special. It's a sort of disorienting effect, this dissolution of the self feels nothing like one imagines. It's not so much of a dissolution as it is a gradual fading away like an Alzheimer's patient's memory gradually fades. Yet, simultaneously, there is a greater degree of equilibrium in my system. It's a bittersweet experience. Everything in life comes at a price.
     
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  5. Srini

    Srini Active Member

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    @Shiv - Just would like to share my experience along the same lines!... every time when I looked at the mirror my self, that is the only time I recall my self as me (Srini)... otherwise, I seem to take every day as my only to experience and express. In is very surprising to me that, even my wife and my kids (two teenagers) seem to adopted to this. We do not see anything as extraordinary and no one is exceptional... including our selves.
    This brings very different way of experiencing life... compared to the families around us. It is indeed very simple life to lead.
    At the end, every living thing will dissolve... no mater how hard we try nothing can stop it. So why to spend energy and time to worry about it, rather use that energy and time to experience it... with out any of pre-defined objectives.
     
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  6. Em1

    Em1 Active Member

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    I can see how it's perceived as a loss but it's also just a change of taste. If you ate carrots your whole life - pureed, baby carrots, raw, cooked... then one day decided you were tired of carrots and quit eating them for a few months (or years), would there be much inquiry about why you don't like carrots anymore? It sounds like you recognize what your mind/body is taking from "eating" - it doesn't need spiritual study for sustenance (right now) in the same way it used to. It sounds like the byproduct you're getting from it is boredom.

    When boredom becomes a struggle is when we force ourselves to "eat" things we don't want to. But, we also have expectations and unconscious ideas about what our diet should be. For example, when we commit to marriage "through sickness and health" we're also committing to stay together through periods of boredom, annoyance, and possibly hate. School is another example of a diet most people don't question - we sit in a classroom for 10 years regardless of whether we're nourished by what we're learning or whether we hate it. Sometimes it's better to keep eating it anyhow... other times it's a signal to try something new.

    It seems common to struggle when a spiritual relationship feels lost. Who says we're supposed to have a strong connection all the time? I think any business owner who decided to turn a passion/hobby into a full time job can attest to this. It sounds great to do what you love all the time - but it could be that you love it because of the balance it has in your life as-is.

    I'll end with another food analogy... I'm sure you've tried a food at some point in your adult life that made you think, "I can't believe I never knew this existed!" I never had real ramen til a few years ago and it blew my mind. I wanted to try all the great ramen places in town and developed a taste for the nuances between one restaurant (or style) and another. When I told my friends about my new love of ramen they'd invite me to ramen places so I was going pretty frequently. This afternoon I went back to one of the places I found amazing and it was just ok... I've since found better places and I'm getting a little bored of ramen. That doesn't change how much I know about ramen and my appreciation for it. In fact, I might enjoy it more by having it less often. (This also ties back to what I said before about the body taking what it needs and getting rid of what it doesn't. My taste buds are subtly trying to tell me to lay off the ramen :))
     
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  7. Shiv

    Shiv Active Member

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    Hi @Em1 - a change of taste is not necessarily what I am talking about although it may be a part of it. Its not just spirituality, its snowboarding, its traveling, its reading, its writing, its driving in the mountains - all those aspects of my life that once assumed significance as desirable seem to have lost their luster. It doesn't mean that I can no longer get some enjoyment out of them from time to time. But they no longer assume the kind of significance they once did.

    On the other hand, aspects of life that I previously felt were undesirable have also lost their significance. I find them easier to engage in with far less natural resistance. Its almost as if the whole playing field is becoming level.

    In other words, "what I want" or "what I dont want" are no longer the powerful motivators they once were. I have zero ambition, either material or spiritual and minimal thought of the future or the past. It almost feels bizarre to want any particular kind of future since its now evident to me that no matter what happens the experience of being in that experience will always essentially be the same as it is now. Certain emotions may vary, but the significance of my emotional states has also largely waned. To put it simply, I could honestly care less how I feel about something. Instead, I find myself more naturally centered in what is happening around me.

    The best way I could describe the experience of it is like being in depression, but minus the low motivation, minus the lack of energy, minus the aversion to engage in everyday activities and minus the low mood as bizarre as that sounds. Its just an open blankness. Yet, there is no sense of inner emptiness or something missing. I feel more whole than I ever have.

    So, instead of a change of taste what I am describing would be more like losing your sense of taste. I am losing my ability to taste the sweetness and the bitterness, the sourness and the spice. It all just kind of tastes the same now, but not in a bad way. Not in a "man, I wish this tasted better or different" but more of a "this feels like a hearty meal and im ok eating this day in and day out."
     
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  8. Shiv

    Shiv Active Member

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    Ask and ye shall find lol...

    After writing the above post, a quick google search brought me this article that describes impeccably what I am experiencing. Bit of a long read but if you read it through you may get a better understanding of what I mean:
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Here are some excerpts from remarks by Philip St. Romain taken from a discussion held at a Shalom Place discussion thread:

    The Arrajs and I have been comparing notes and discussing this topic for years now. With their publication of this web page, we're hoping to discover if others can relate to the experience, and how they understand it.

    I can share that, for myself, what they describe fits my own experience to a fraction of a degree. Even after over 15 years, however, I'm still adjusting to this phenomenon of the loss of the affective ego, and can imagine that some who've come upon this state would consider it a "loss of self," even a psychopathology of some kind. I do not consider it such, but (perhaps) an example of apathaea or profound detachment that the desert fathers thought so valuable. There are many positive consequences which ensue--none the least of which is that one isn't getting pushed around by emotions any more. Also, when I don't over-work (especially mentally), there is a subtle flow of bliss buoying up my heart--the ananda of the Hindus, and the joy which Christ promised. Nevertheless, as I say, it takes some getting used to and can feel like psychic death, in many ways.

    I would not characterize my experience of the loss of the affective ego as akin to depression in that it lacks the "down" or "blue" feeling that comes with depression. Unlike depression, which has a definite affective content, this state seems to be altogether devoid of emotion or feeling until one is engaged in an activity of some kind. Then, the appropriate feeling emerges; once that is over, however, things revert back to zero -- a state of flatness or apathaea. I'm aware that some counselors might consider this dissociation or a type of depression, but I would disagree, and so would the Arrajs -- which is why we're hoping this experience will become better understood.

    Prior to the loss of affectivity as described here, the Ego is usually moved one way or another and senses from these inner movements a kind of direction being suggested for one's life. You might even say that with the loss of the affective Ego, there is a loss of intentional consciousness, which does feel like the loss of interiority and a kind of psychic death. I strongly suspect that this is, in large part, what many in the spiritual literature are referring to as a "loss of self," or "no-self." If this were only a passing phase/dark night between developmental levels, that would be one thing; but when one is "stuck" there for almost 20 years, as some of us have been, might as well say it's not simply transitional.

    I wouldn't want to go back to the "old ways" at all even if I could. For one thing, I don't even remember what that was like! But since pretty much everyone I relate to has an Affective Ego, I see the difference between what they go through and my usual state. Thanks, but no thanks!

    It seems to me that there is something of an "acquired taste" that one must develop to live in this new psychic world, and I think this is where the metaphor of the desert in Christian mystical literature becomes relevant. The desert appears to be arid and lifeless, but upon closer inspection, there are all kinds of living things that have found a way to survive there. One must look and listen deeply to notice them, but they're there! I liken this to the sensitivity one develops to subtle movements in the psyche; they fall below the radar of the Affective Ego, but the dis-affected Ego, in its thirst for a sense of life, learns to listen for them and cherish what is found. Sometimes, it is the "still small voice of the Spirit" that is detected--a tiny rivulet of life meandering along, somewhat obscure, but exuding peace.

    Another delightful compensation for me is that with the diminishment of intentionality, the world of the senses has become more awakened.

    The Ego refers to one's sense of being an "I" or the conscious subject of one's life. This is not the false self; it is generally experienced in an affective milieu, howsoever subtle; memory generally retains a "record" of how the "I" experiences affectivity, and we can often access that.
    - E.g., you hear a song that reminds you of a special date and experience some of the feelings you had then.
    - you think back on a certain time in your life and have a feeling of what your life was then.
    - you think back on what happened 2 hrs ago and have a feeling of what that was like corresponding to what you experienced then.

    We take for granted such things. . . until it is lost, which is what we are trying to talk about.

    So, for example, one can interact with company and experience a range of feelings when they visit. The next day, you can usually think over some of what went on and experience an affective connection with this past event through the affective dimension stored in memory.

    With the loss of what the Arraj's are calling the affective ego, however, there is no such affective recall. You can remember who said what, that you were happy or sad or whatever, but you do not have an affective connection with the past event. It's gone! Dessicated! There is no emotional trace in the memory.

    So we're not saying that people who experience this situation display no affectivity: they do, during the situation they're living in the present. . . the whole range of feeling. But once the experience is over, it's over . . . affectively, that is . . . like it never even happened . . . could have been 10 years ago just as well as 15 minutes ago. The empirical Ego/individual-subject-of-attention is still there, alive and well, with all its faculties intact, only it seems to be living in a desert of some kind, deprived of inner movements of affectivity connecting present with past and pointing the way to a future. In my own experience, this has also brought a quieting of the mind so that, unless I am working on some kind of problem or creation, there are no thoughts whatsoever. The mind is silent, which at first is quite disconcerting, but eventually becomes most enjoyable.

    I hope this helps to clarify the relation between Ego, affective Ego, false self, and the experience we're trying to describe. Maybe this is one of those kinds of experiences that's impossible to grasp unless one undergoes it to some extent.

    I would not say that what I'm describing equates with a loss of selfishness or the false self, however, as vices of all kinds (especially pride) still come into play and must be seen and resisted. That's why I keep trying to say that I'm not talking about the loss of a false self, although there is a change in that experience with the loss of affective memory.

    As for marriage and the testimony of a spouse, what my wife sees is my relationship with her in the moments we share, and these do include affectivity, as I have tried to explain. She cannot possibly know my inner experience when I am not with her and uninvolved in activities. I've told her about all this, but see no point in making a big deal out of it with her. I don't know what gurus' wives would say to disprove their husbands' claims, but my wife could certainly give witness that I am no perfect person on any level. I have no illusions about that. That's not what I'm talking about at all.

    I broached this topic 14 years ago in my kundalini book, but it never even got a nibble in comparison to the kundalini vs. Holy Spirit discussions. I don't think it's the same thing Bernadette Roberts is describing either, for she's actually saying there's no subject of attention present in her experience and I'm quite sure there is one such in mine. I don't fully understand her experience, but it seems similar to that of Susan Segal. Others have described the no-self state in a manner similar to what we are calling the loss of affective ego, so there is a touchpoint there.

    I think discerning "the point" of this is partly why the Arrajs opened the discussion. In my own case, I have noted some of the practical benefits in the remarks above. All in all, it's a very positive development, I would say, especially in terms of making available to one greater freedom to exercise the will according to one's values and decisions. There is a very definite "death" or sense of loss that comes with the shift, however, and that takes some getting used to.

    What is left, then? The desert . . . profound aridity . . . emotional detachment . . . a silent mind . . . the flowering of the senses . . . and, eventually, a deepening sensitivity to subtle movements of life within and about. With this comes increased capacity to live in the present moment, including the experience whatever affectivity such action awakens.

    The loss of the affective Ego DOES mean the end of the compulsivities originating in false self conditioning. That's a pretty big deal, in my opinion, and a great healing indeed! It also spells the end of shame, existential anxiety, and resentment, for all these emotions are of the past and are therefore part of the affective memory. Granted, there are degrees of healing from these bitter poisons, but in my own case, I would say that I have been over 90% free of these for almost 20 years! I did not believe this was possible, and for the first few years, kept expecting their return. I also saw how much the false self derives its energies and intentions from these poisonous emotions. After they are healed, one is relatively free of the false self, but not completely.

    Once the flow of affectivity is diminished, the mind is no longer triggered by this information and one can explore its domain . . . how attention and mind interact, for example. We can also learn how the mind actually tries to generate emotions to reinstate something of the old identity. This contrivance becomes seen for what it is, however, and comes to pass. But the mind needs *something* to help it understand what's going on and to cooperate. Here, again, the importance of a vision of the spiritual journey; also, the importance of a theological vision.
     
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  9. Em1

    Em1 Active Member

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    @Shiv when you think about the past do you still remember those events as desirable/undesirable? Or is your new frame of mind changing your memories (or perceptions) of those events? (Or does it not even matter?)
     
  10. Shiv

    Shiv Active Member

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    @Em1 - I can recall the past vividly but only as something of an academic record. Like reading events from a history book. Even my memories of the painful moments, are circumstantially accurate (eg I can remember being curled up in a ball on the floor and sobbing) but these memories have no emotional component to them. In other words, they dont trigger any emotion in me. As a result, I dont experience my past as desirable or undesirable. Just things that happened. The same is true with any future scenarios I can try and envision for myself. None of it generates any emotional energy.

    The only emotional energy that I experience is always in the moment as per the circumstance. Eg. when I'm cruising down the mountain on my board as I did yesterday I will experience enjoyment. Or when I am negotiating with my daughter to try and take another spoonful of dinner I will experience frustration. But in the next moment that emotion dissipates and all record of it vanishes. There is no imprint left in my psyche.
     
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  11. Nick Grasslin

    Nick Grasslin Active Member

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    @Shiv
    Thanks for sharing man. I know that experience for some reason I cant put my finger on. In other words what you said resonated with me.
    Yet at the same time I feel more in the grasp of fear and ego then ever before. My grasping onto the positive has never been so intense. So much so that I am experiencing a lot of suicidal feelings because those positive ideals seem so far away the more I reach towards them. (Dont worry I dont think suicide is an answer to anything no matter what my mind says lol)
    I go to counselor meetings weekly and they seem to have some effect on me emotionally (getting in touch with emotions that I usually avoid).

    The whole spiritual game flipped my world upside down. I dont really listen or read anything about spirituality anymore. I just live my life now, yet there is a lot of challenges in my life.

    Sorry im going on a rant here about myself lol. I feel like this forum is somewhat of a home to me though.

    I honestly just miss being a kid. Before the little me identity got embedded in my energy field. My pain body is full of fear and percieved separation. One thought has the power to make heaven into hell and vice versa. And beyond any of those thoughts is just the unknowable void if you will. Emptiness. The mind cannot grasp it. The mind creates its own world. Its own world of illusion, the illusion that is completely your own. I feel like I am drowning in my own little reality and every once in awhile my head pops up out of the water and gasps for air (entering reality as it is).
     
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  12. Markus

    Markus Active Member

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    This is a shift from 'getting it' to 'living it'. At first, this state of being may feel numb, but that is only because our frame of reference is the larger swings of emotion/luster/intensity we have always known. I like to compare to a pendulum. In the unbalanced mind, desire, wants, joy, anger, etc are wide swings of the ball; we react strongly, we feel strong motivation, we feel emotion deeply - each is a push or pull from our off-center state toward the center (then back and forth). As we grow, these become less and less extreme. One day we see that the ball hardly moves at all. When it does, it soon returns to stillness and we can ponder what unfolded with clear awareness.

    Fun things are still fun; upsetting things can still trigger anger or sadness; joy is still felt. However, these things are momentary, they do not have an impact anymore. When the impact of a past event, however traumatic or joyful, dissolves, only a memory remains. Ah, that happened (so what?).

    It is just a sign that one is now going with the flow, not resisting or trying to use the mind to steer through life. What used to be a strong draw is no longer because it has little impact now. In your story, maybe the 'loss' of spiritual identity is actually the change of that idea (I am spiritual) to your reality (I am). You knew it, you understood it, you felt it - now you are it, so knowing understanding feeling no longer serve you in that way. (As an example, not sure it this truly fits how you see it.)

    In all, it is certainly different from the drama of unaware living. Much more even keel and peaceful, with an awareness that allows one to experience without much ego/mind rubbish getting in the way.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2016
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  13. Dally

    Dally Active Member

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    Correct me if I'm wrong but I remember you saying you had a non abiding awakening a few years ago, do you think in some sense this is what your awakening was leading up to? I've had some semblance of sameness for the past couple years now, do you feel a definite shift, or is it no different than any other shift you've had? Like the constant shifts in perception I have on a weekly basis.

    It's been a couple years since my awakening. On some level I relate, and on others I don't. I don't see any value in most spiritual "advice" anymore. I'm mostly just interested in my experience, for better or worse. The challenges, questions and enjoyment I have on a daily basis. Part of me is still struggling to know and understand but doesn't know how. And I feel no one can give me the answer I'm looking for, I've done enough looking to know it's an endless game of tail chasing. Life just is. That's where I'm at. I still have a sense of instability and I can't say I'm whole, I just am in sort of a spiritual depression with breaks of enjoyment.

    I remember what it felt like during my awakening though. I never once contracted and doubted how I was supposed to behave on any level. I just was a constantly experiencing the present moment with no effort. Life felt sort of dreamy but very clear and concise, there was no concept of being "content" because whatever it was I've been craving all my life was already there. I still smoked that day, I decided to eat a baconator(the best I've had by the way), my mom still teased me, I just remember recognizing how she was teasing me but there was no personal identification with being teased. It was like watching her express herself with absolutely no interest in uninhibiting my own reaction which was devoid of any noticeable emotion, but my experience was pure joy and freedom at the same time.
     
  14. Shiv

    Shiv Active Member

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    @Dally - I had an awakening experience similar to yours about 13 years ago which lasted for about 4 months. I had others in the following years for shorter periods which were powerful but never as profound as the first one. I think that partly has to do with the contrast between the experience of awakening and the life one was living just prior to it. With my first awakening I had been suffering so profoundly and for so long that the experience of awakening was in sharp contrast to it. The subsequent ones were never as earth shattering because by that time I had lost the ability to experience suffering to such a high degree. A large part of my internal resistance had been blown out with the first experience.

    To be honest with you I no longer look back upon those experiences with any particular fondness. I can see them for what they were : glimpses into the truth. But a glimpse is not the truth. Its like watching a party through the keyhole of a door in the next room. At a certain point you realize that watching the party is not the same as joining it.

    Yes, I absolutely think that this "sameness" is what awakening leads up to. But I wouldn't call it a "sameness", I think neutrality is a much better word. Sameness implies that one has lost the ability to perceive differences in experience, whereas a neutral position implies that one does perceive the differences but one's internal response to those differences is essentially neutral. Life is essentially neutral in its core. Of course there exist polar experiences such as birth and death, growth and decay, progress and regress but all these experiences when viewed from the perspective of the overall principles that guide life are neither positive nor negative but simply necessary, just as light and shadow are both equally necessary in the composition of a photograph.

    So, while the initial awakening experience is designed to reveal this picture to you by temporarily silencing the mind, the journey from that point on is leading you there with the baggage of your mind intact. Its like a vision of the promised land, but then you have to get there on your own two feet carrying everything you own in the world with you. As you struggle along the path, the vision drives you forward but the struggle itself becomes distasteful and so you begin to shed everything that you realize is unnecessary and holding you back. In reality of course, you are always at the promised land, but it is the mind and all its pent up resistance that creates the illusion of the journey, the distance and the burden that must be shed. Although an illusion, it is nevertheless real to the mind and since you have a mind you must honor the illusion for what it is.

    The experience of neutrality or "sameness" as you call it, while closer to the truth than anything else is nevertheless deflating to the mind. Because the mind cant generate any momentum from a neutral position. It is used to harnessing the energy of polarity to fuel its momentum. The more controversial a conversation the more interested it is in expressing an opinion. The more dramatic an event the more curious it becomes. The more righteous a cause the more validated it feels. A neutral conversation, a mundane moment, an ordinary event is like kryptonite to the mind. It saps it of its power to propel itself in thought. It experiences boredom which is nothing more than a deep seated restlessness to get moving in some direction even though the reality at the moment may be that there is nowhere to go. And when the experience of boredom becomes unbearable, I.e. the mind begins to judge this boredom as something wrong or undesirable, then depression ensues - which is the experience of low energy, mood and muted emotion.

    But we are being guided towards neutrality not polarity, so this is only a natural experience. Its like coming of a drug - these are the withdrawal symptoms. They are not a sign that something is wrong but a sign that everything is right. And there are many layers to this withdrawal. Seeing the sameness in everyday events is one thing. But seeing the sameness in one's own life and death and that of those one loves? That takes time. This a maturing process. And at every step of the way you will feel the effects of the mind coming off of its own addiction to polarity.

    The secret is to see the process for what it is and to realize deeply that all is well. Then let the boredom come, let the depression come, let the mundaness, the sameness, the lack of inspiration come, it doesn't matter. This is no longer about experience for you. This is about your sanity. This is about getting sober. And anyone who says getting sober is a joyful, bliss-inducing process is full of shyte ! :) There may be many uplifting moments that inspire you forward, but for the most part its tough going.

    At a certain point, the switch will come. It happens to every addict. And a deeper sense of life purpose becomes available to you. This isn't the kind of purpose that the mind can put into words; such as the purpose of life is so and so. Its not a static dead purpose. It is an alive purpose that is changing in every moment, with the moment. It is a causeless purpose. And in that the mind begins to fall silent of its own accord, not by force or by technique or by negotiating with it. But of its own free choice.
     
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  15. grausam

    grausam Active Member

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    "The same wind that bends the sapling to the ground, only sways the branches of the mature tree. " unknown
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2016
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  16. Shiv

    Shiv Active Member

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    @grausam - what kind of "sampling"? :) Not a stool sampling I hope....that's what follows breaking wind
     
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  17. grausam

    grausam Active Member

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    Good God! I purposefully read that over slowly and carefully 3 times. I don't think I have ever posted anything typo free and probably never will. Let's just pretend I was demonstrating how no matter how much we try, we see reality how we want it to be, not how it is. That sounds much better.

    Thank god for the 24 hour rule, it's almost as good as the 5 second rule, which keeps me from starving.
     
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  18. Dally

    Dally Active Member

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    Thank you Shiv. I feel grateful that I can communicate personally with someone about something so far fetched from relative communication. I also had little glimpses after my initial awakening which dissipated after a few months and this sense of bliss returns every once in a while but my perception and experience of it changes every time it comes back and loses its intensity. Very recently I decided that my meditations are too rigid so I'm letting go of it completely for now, who knows if it will come back because I've had this revelation before and I started meditating again a month later. Before I had a belief that mediation was necessary to harness my awakening and now it's something to hold onto therefore it must be let go.

    What you said about boredom and neutrality really resonates with me, I'd say it's one of my greatest challenges thus far, taking new forms each time it arises. Accepting "now" and not looking for a way out, not having what I want and realizing that freedom is in this moment and not to bu*****t my way out of it even though I'd rather cling to a peak experience. Also looking back at my awakening and understanding that it is a past experience and no longer holds as much value as my present experiences and that I must move on to my next lesson, even that sometimes there is no lesson and it's time to rest :)